A BAD MENTAL DAY

Maybe that’s too kind, it’s been a bad mental week. I have tried to fill my time being creative, seeing friends, spending time with Fox. Nothing seems to be working. It doesn’t seem to be benefiting me or my life at all no matter what I do. I pulled up to the gym today and didn’t even go in. I didn’t have the emotional energy to go in and even just tan or lay on the massage table. I ended up getting my nails done, I thought that would be at least something. I saw on Facebook today that Austin’s cancer has gotten worse putting him in the hospital. I don’t know how to feel about that, or even if I’m allowed to feel anything. Any way I look at it, its from a selfish angle. What can I do to help make myself feel better about my roll in this. Should I reach out? Should I call his mother? He hates me, he’s said before he doesn’t want me at his funeral and that was years ago. I haven’t cried in a long time. I don’t want to really its just odd to hold all of this and not have that reaction. I am so fucking unhappy. With myself, with my relationship, with my apartment. I can’t force him to be a different person. No one should ever do that to another person. I just don’t know if this is it or even if its worth starting over. Like when people finally settle down with some one do they think to themselves like “yeah, this will probably be tolerable”? I want to feel that like out of body shit, I used to wake up next to Sam and think about how lucky I was and how happy I was because I snorted that all away. So who is to say if that was even a genuine emotion? We were so fucked up all the time I don’t know what was real. Nothing is like the stories you read in book. Old people that are still in a relationship or a marriage stayed because that is what a religion told them to do or from the sheer social embarrassment of a public divorce. I don’t give a shit about that. I just want to be happy. Everyone around me thinks Haily is mean to me and I “deserve a better friend” but she is the only one that has ever told me the truth. That’s probably why I get so mad at her. I hate hearing it, I hate it when she is right and I have to admit it AGAIN. Maybe that’s what an actual friend is? Some one that’s not going to fucking lie to you because it feels good. I have to close at work tonight, my face is broken out, I’m bloated and so fucking over it. I could probably go to sleep right now and not wake up until the morning. Wouldn’t that be nice, just to sleep it off?