Austin died yesterday.

I remember when his mom called me to tell me he was sick again. I was at work and she basically called to tell me to fuck off. We had been separated for a couple months at this point and she told me it wouldn’t help if I were in his life. I called him hysterical and he met me for coffee at this weirdo tea shop, I guess he had been really into herbal teas at this time I don’t fucking know. I cried a lot and he told me he was gonna be fine, he had beat it before. We ate edibles and went to a movie. I remember feeling super weird about holding hands. Like we had been married for almost 4 years but holding hands felt so weird, maybe it was because we were high. We got breakfast on our anniversary that year. I knew it had gotten worse from the shit people had posted on the internet but I guess I just thought he was going to be fine, like he always was. He was that big of a dick that he was going to beat this and laugh in its face. He died yesterday morning. I don’t know what or how to feel. I’m fucking sad, I’m fucking angry. I feel completely isolated. I feel selfish, like who the fuck am I to be so upset? He was so angry with me for so long, I was the one who broke us up, I ruined it and he hated me. Half of my adult identity is that man. I have made so many mistakes, I have been such a piece of shit. He was good, he was actually fucking good. He said what he meant and stood by what he felt, and he is the one that is gone. My head hurts, I’m tired. I want to go somewhere that this didn’t happen. I want to take back all the stupid shit. All I can think about are his hands? He couldn’t rotate his wrist all the way so when you handed him change you had to almost catch it on the other side so he could grab it. I am grateful for the time we did have together, but I guess everything is romanticized in death. He was the first person I ever loved. I don’t know what to do with myself. There is nothing to do. There is nothing that will change anything, not him leaving, not our last words. Nothing. So I am going to try and just feel through it. I want to get so insanely drunk and just sleep for a few days but that’s not going to change anything either. So fuck it. I will miss him though. Austin Forever.