I remember when his mom called me to tell me he was sick again. I was at work and she basically called to tell me to fuck off. We had been separated for a couple months at this point and she told me it wouldn’t help if I were in his life. I called him hysterical and he met me for coffee at this weirdo tea shop, I guess he had been really into herbal teas at this time I don’t fucking know. I cried a lot and he told me he was gonna be fine, he had beat it before. We ate edibles and went to a movie. I remember feeling super weird about holding hands. Like we had been married for almost 4 years but holding hands felt so weird, maybe it was because we were high. We got breakfast on our anniversary that year. I knew it had gotten worse from the shit people had posted on the internet but I guess I just thought he was going to be fine, like he always was. He was that big of a dick that he was going to beat this and laugh in its face. He died yesterday morning. I don’t know what or how to feel. I’m fucking sad, I’m fucking angry. I feel completely isolated. I feel selfish, like who the fuck am I to be so upset? He was so angry with me for so long, I was the one who broke us up, I ruined it and he hated me. Half of my adult identity is that man. I have made so many mistakes, I have been such a piece of shit. He was good, he was actually fucking good. He said what he meant and stood by what he felt, and he is the one that is gone. My head hurts, I’m tired. I want to go somewhere that this didn’t happen. I want to take back all the stupid shit. All I can think about are his hands? He couldn’t rotate his wrist all the way so when you handed him change you had to almost catch it on the other side so he could grab it. I am grateful for the time we did have together, but I guess everything is romanticized in death. He was the first person I ever loved. I don’t know what to do with myself. There is nothing to do. There is nothing that will change anything, not him leaving, not our last words. Nothing. So I am going to try and just feel through it. I want to get so insanely drunk and just sleep for a few days but that’s not going to change anything either. So fuck it. I will miss him though. Austin Forever.

I thought I had the day off today but it turns out I was looking at the wrong schedule. There are repair men here to fix our AC unit that won’t stop dripping so hopefully I won’t have to fall asleep to the sound of the droplets hitting the cup I set out anymore. This morning started off really great, Fox didn’t wake up until 8:30 so we got to sleep in a little bit but with the men and power tools coming in and out of the apartment he hasn’t stopped screaming and ripping off his diaper? That’s a new one. I put him in a onesie and gave him a bottle as a last resort. It’s nearing nap time and I just hope they leave soon. I have to close tonight and although I really need the money after what a joke last week was I really do not want to be there all night. Getting a toddler to nap when there is really exciting shit going on sucks. Daniel was sick last night and I really wish he would have stayed home. I will never understand the job priority although I do respect the work ethic. I just feel alone sometimes, like how did I go from living alone to all of this? It obviously brings me joy most of the time but days like today I am overwhelmed. I feel like I can’t do this right. Like if Noelle was here would he act like this. Would he hit her or throw things at her like he does me? What am I doing wrong? My “step parenting” skills are lacking today. I lied to Noelle and said I had to work earlier than I do so I can drop him off and have some alone time. Is that horrible? The whole idea of this ~blog~ was to be able to write down my thoughts so I don’t force them on anyone who will listen but right now I was I had some one who had been through this before. I need some one to tell me I’m not crazy.

Maybe that’s too kind, it’s been a bad mental week. I have tried to fill my time being creative, seeing friends, spending time with Fox. Nothing seems to be working. It doesn’t seem to be benefiting me or my life at all no matter what I do. I pulled up to the gym today and didn’t even go in. I didn’t have the emotional energy to go in and even just tan or lay on the massage table. I ended up getting my nails done, I thought that would be at least something. I saw on Facebook today that Austin’s cancer has gotten worse putting him in the hospital. I don’t know how to feel about that, or even if I’m allowed to feel anything. Any way I look at it, its from a selfish angle. What can I do to help make myself feel better about my roll in this. Should I reach out? Should I call his mother? He hates me, he’s said before he doesn’t want me at his funeral and that was years ago. I haven’t cried in a long time. I don’t want to really its just odd to hold all of this and not have that reaction. I am so fucking unhappy. With myself, with my relationship, with my apartment. I can’t force him to be a different person. No one should ever do that to another person. I just don’t know if this is it or even if its worth starting over. Like when people finally settle down with some one do they think to themselves like “yeah, this will probably be tolerable”? I want to feel that like out of body shit, I used to wake up next to Sam and think about how lucky I was and how happy I was because I snorted that all away. So who is to say if that was even a genuine emotion? We were so fucked up all the time I don’t know what was real. Nothing is like the stories you read in book. Old people that are still in a relationship or a marriage stayed because that is what a religion told them to do or from the sheer social embarrassment of a public divorce. I don’t give a shit about that. I just want to be happy. Everyone around me thinks Haily is mean to me and I “deserve a better friend” but she is the only one that has ever told me the truth. That’s probably why I get so mad at her. I hate hearing it, I hate it when she is right and I have to admit it AGAIN. Maybe that’s what an actual friend is? Some one that’s not going to fucking lie to you because it feels good. I have to close at work tonight, my face is broken out, I’m bloated and so fucking over it. I could probably go to sleep right now and not wake up until the morning. Wouldn’t that be nice, just to sleep it off?

It’s Wednesday morning and I am trying to decide if getting a second part time morning job would either be good for my over productive mind (or lack there of) or if it would finally be the thing to push me over the edge where I just go crazy and shave my head or move to Germany. I have fantasized about moving to Europe but the reality is that my codependency would never allow it. Who would I talk to? The language alone scares the shit out of me. I guess it’s very American of me to think that there would be enough people who spoke English to get by but learning any new skill at this age has been daunting. I’ve been doing the same shit for so long its embarrassing. Realizing that being drunk isn’t a personality trait was the most difficult I think. I thought I was pretty fucking popular to be quite honest and I am now starting to realize that is absolutely not the case. The people I was surrounding myself with don’t give a shit about me, bar friends exist at the bar. I used to think about how long it would take some one to find me if I died in my old studio apartment, who would actually come looking for me. I think my boss, Lisa would. She’s just a good person though and would be concerned if I missed any shifts. It’s kind of like the meme where the manager is standing over some ones casket and says “thanks a lot we are understaffed today”. We are never “understaffed” really, just so perfectly on par that if some one doesn’t show up we don’t have the extra bodies. It’s honestly the weirdest job I’ve ever had. I think this will be the one I tell stories about when I’m 60 and have had too much red wine with dinner and my kids will roll their eyes. Hopefully by then I will have made something of myself and I’ll just be another one of those annoying “I used to work in a restaurant” people.